well.

I don't assume I have a following on here anymore haha, but just in case, I figure I'll post some updates.
Number one:
I was raped the summer before freshman year. That means it happened after I posted on Violence Unsilenced.
I did not know my rapist. I still don't.
I have since developed post-traumatic stress disorder. I am still a sufferer of anxiety and clinical depression, but I would hardly consider myself depressed. It makes sense if you don't think about it.

I'm seventeen. I have not suffered abuse since that day in the summer before freshman year.

I have a boyfriend. I've gone through several in the last few years haha but this one is a keeper. We've been together for a year and a half and he does everything for me. He's 21 and works a full-time job at a car dealership. He would never lay a hand on me and he takes me the way I am.

I am going to college next year, which would be my senior year.
That means I'm completing three years of high school instead of four, and going to college a year early.
I want to major in forensic psychology.

I'm 5'3''.
That's not really relevant to anything, my personality just tends to "seem tall." hahaha
I live, I laugh, I love like it's all I can do.

I am not a victim of abuse.
I am not a victim of rape.
I am a survivor.
I do not let it define me, I do not let it define my actions or the way I treat other people.
I go to the place I was raped at and I laugh in the face of danger I once was presented with.
I pass my father's street and I smile because it's not my street.
I am happy.
I am Jordan.
I am free.
I am in love and always will be.

I know you're oh so sorry dad, I truly believe that you're a better man.

Soooo I guess I have a few updates. A lot has changed but there isn't much to say about it.

Essentially, I broke up with Antonio. I think we both saw it coming. Maybe he thought he saw a light at the end of the tunnel, but it was a train. I don't really know, but we're still friends, and honestly, I feel closer to him than I did before we were dating.

But Tanis is mad at me. God knows why, I don't know why the fuck he feels like it's his damn place to pass judgements on me without understand ANYTHING, but so be it. His parents are the same fucking way. They feel the need to tell Dani's parents what they're doing "wrong" all the time. What the fuck. Who died and left you in charge of how she was parented? Nobody? Then shut the fuck up, you ignorant fucks.

Ugh. I hate people like that. He's seriously pissed because MY BOYFRIEND was busy being a douchebag, so I was joking around with Jessi while they were trying to kiss and Dani kept laughing at what we would say. I missed the part where that was MY fault. Where my phantom hand grabbed her head and turned her away. Oh wait, what? It didn't? Right! So shut the fuck up! I mean I may have a bad temper but he beats me by a loooongshot. WTF.

I guess that's it guys. Just a little rant. /: Later!

It's hard to be a man, but I'm doing all I can.

-copy/pasted from my tumblr-
So times are hard. I know I sound like some old banned novel but I’m serious.
My mom just got fired because some nurse was talking bullshit about her to the manager, and since she’s still on orientation they don’t have to investigate it, they just have to decide to say “Fuck you and your family” and fire her.
Not only that, but she went to the neurologist about her twitch and they think she has a brain tumor, so she has to get an MRI, and without the (shitty) insurance she WAS on, it’s thousands of dollars. OUT OF POCKET. And we can’t afford that.
I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do. I really don’t. At this point I think I’d be in my right mind to just… leave. But I can’t abandon her like that.
I also stopped taking my meds for a few days and I’m going FUCKING BATSHIT BANANAS. Oh my god. I need it. Now. Holyshit.

P.S. If you actually want updates, my tumblr is your best bet, 'cause I put random junk on there all the time, and I'm much more likely to update.
http://dearlucid.tumblr.com/

I don't hate like they do...

...am I ever on your mind?

FIRST THINGS FIRST. I wanna thank everyone for all the nice comments, they make me smile. :)

Now, onto updates...

Antonio's being a butt lately. He has a temper and it showed the other night, so I was like "alright I'm just gonna go." and left for the night, but he hasn't talked to me since. I really don't know what he has to be mad about... It was HIS temper... I don't have one.

Regardless. I went out for my sister's birthday with my dad, stepmom and half-sister the other day. It was enjoyable enough. I was paranoid the whole time, and I constantly was mistaken for being 21, but it was an okay time. The food was good, although it was a steakhouse and I'm vegetarian xD;

I think I'm gonna jump in the shower soon. I haven't done anything productive today. I've been up not even four hours and it's 7 at night, that's almost sad... Plus all I've done is check my e-mail, watch Tarzan, play guitar and cook. I really need to get back into parkour because I'm so out of practice lately I probably couldn't even do a kong vault anymore..

I also haven't done anything cause-related lately. In case that's too vague for anyone reading, what I mean is like, Day of Silence, One Day Without Shoes, etc. I haven't heard any upcoming days, but holyshit I want the WBC to come protest up here so I can give them a piece of my mind. They may have been yelled at before, but I promise I'm a whole different breed of activist, and they won't come back up to Philly. I promise you that.

I really need to get some sun this summer. Not skin-cancer status tan, but honestly, I'm paler than an albino ghost in the middle of December ALL YEAR. It's sad. I'm seriously paler than a friend of mine, and she's an albino.

I don't look like they do, and I don't love like they do.
But I don't hate like they do... am I ever on your mind?

I can't lose you again. I'm not strong enough.

Well hello, internet! :D
So far my summer's been good. I feel like bleh lately, so I've been sitting at home. I really don't want my mama bear to come over tonight, but she's friends with my sister so I don't have much of a choice, and she insists on seeing me, even though I don't want to see her.
Like, FUCK, DUDE, NO. I FEEL LIKE SHIT AND WANT TO SLEEP. STOP IT.
Gah, sorry.
So Antonio's being a poop and not answering. Well I only said "hi" once xD; but still. Then again, he tends to just... leave, and not bother signing off or telling anyone xD;

I kind of want to dye my hair blue again... I dunno. It's a pain in the ass to do it, and it kills my hair, but hey, why the hell not?
Maybe I'll do blue tips or something this time.
Too bad Antonio doesn't like unnatural things xD;
Piercings, tattoos, hair dye, whatever.
Too bad for HIM, anyway. Cause I'm fuckin' doin' it up! :D

Later.

We're just like superstars.

Woot. Summer's off to a good start. Party last night, party tonight. Going up to New York to see Antonio again on Saturday.

I'm so anticipating this change of scenery. Philly, I love you, but you're driving me nuts.

So my story got published on Violence Unsilenced. It felt so good to get something I've held in for so long off of my chest. Not only that, but there's so much support, from people you don't even know. Everybody is encouraging. And to anybody that's following this from Violence Unsilenced, thanks for the support. I appreciate it so much, it's people like you that make this world worth living in.

Also, if anybody feels like following me on Twitter, it's JahtzeeLovesSam. It's usually just lyrics, but hey, better than nothing. If anything you get to find new music, and who doesn't love new music? Crazy people, that's who.

So I really want to see Paramore this summer. I forget exactly who they're going on tour with though...
Regardless, my concert resume is rather sad as of late. Last concert I went to was Lights, Owl City and Paper Route. The concert was good, but the audience sucked, especially for Philly. Seriously, we're usually a fucking awesome crowd.

Woot for Philly, and our hoagies and wooder. <3

I'm also addicted to John Mayer at the moment. Not even his new album, but a lot of his old stuff. It's all SO GOOD. I saw him back in February and he's so damn funny xD;

Woot! I has Cheerios!

Well, I don't really have much else to write about. Nothing's really going on lately, just a lot of plans.

So, Internet, I bid you good day, and we will meet again soon.

You're the only light I ever saw.

So I'm in a rather "bleh" mood.
I haven't updated in a while. Not that anybody really cares, but, I apologize.
Last day of class was today. I'm gonna miss it a lot, honestly. It doesn't feel like summer.
I miss Antonio, too.

So, since March, I've...
Started taking zoloft, fun. I also did better in school and got glasses, I also got a boyfriend. His name is Antonio but we call him Antwon xD;
I'm happy now. I mean, not literally right now cause I'm kinda tired and whatnot, but regardless.

I chopped all my hair off. I like it.
I read a bunch of books.
That's about it.
I'm gonna go, no patience. later! :D